"And I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe, of the one who made it all. I'll stand, my heart Lord, to You surrendered, all I have is You!"
This song is truly my prayer right now. As many of you know, I am "Type A" personality through and through and I have things planned perfectly. I love to make lists and to check things off. I have my Christmas list by September and our summer plans are finalized by March. Though this can be looked at as a good thing, when it comes to letting go of my own control and let God have HIS way, I sometimes have a death grib on my plans.
I am learning that His way is certainly better than mine. My plan, once Justin and I got married, was for Justin and I to live in Auburn for 3 years, move back to NC for Justin to attend NC State or Duke for his Ph. D., begin "trying" to get pregnant, and to continue toward settling down. Well, God has really been revealing that I have to let go. My soul is in turmoil as I think about not being close to home when starting a family, but I think of the many women who have followed their husbands to the foreign mission field to have families and for Justin to go to Virginia Tech or Colorado State certainly is not that big of a deal. God has also been showing me the importance of my family's personal mission field. Justin, being in conservation science, is often the only lone Christian on a team of researchers. He has been able to share his faith in unbelievable ways. I often discount this as Justin's mission field because he has not gone to seminary and not had an official "call into the ministry". However, God has greatly blessed him with a powerful mind and a love for the environment and animals (in a healthy way) and he uses that to bring glory to our Father.
There is the question about children??? With my Mom and grandmother's history of cancer and womanly infections, both were no longer to bear children after the young age of 34. (My grandmother was 27.) I have "my plan" saying this is when I want children, but could it be when I get to "my time" God would say, "if only you had trusted me. I told you to trust me, that I would provide daycare and diapers, but you said it wasn't your time, and now you can't have children. Why did you wait child?" There is always wisdom needed in all decisions. I believe that "If you walk in the Spirit, you will not fulfill the desires of your heart." (Galations 5:16). God is also not the author of confusion and He will show Justin and I when we need children, if at all, but I have to be willing to say, ok, maybe will be sooner or later than what I thought. God is so much bigger than my plan!
I often say "I know my own plans, thanks God" rather than resting on the truth that "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to protect and preserve you." Would it be better for me to live where I want, but in misery because it's not what God wanted, or to go willingly to somewhere I never imagined and God use us as a family in ways I never thought could be? Jonah didn't want to go to Ninevah and God certainly got his attention. God had his plan far long before I came to be and He created me to fulfill a certain purpose in His plan. Am I willing to go? I hope so...I am learning about sweet surrender.
Lord, please help me to come to you with open hands and a willing heart. You have a plan for our family. Please help me to be still long enough to listen to your quiet voice and go wherever You would lead. I want to rest in the shadow of your wings. Glorious One, You are God, worthy of praise, and I am nothing without You. May Your will be done...